wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
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