1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
You are not answering and I think it is because you spent 80 dollars worth of drinks on you hot cousin.
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
