yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
Please note that in response to your post about your dog's jaws clamped hard around a stick, I did not comment, "Takes after his dad." You're welcome.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
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