Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
You dont lie about slip and slides
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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