Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Randomize
