If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
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