I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
