I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Randomize
