Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
Randomize
