Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
