oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
I just googled if crying burns calories
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
