I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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