I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
All I want to do is fuck in the bell tower before it leave this school. Is that too much to ask?
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Randomize
