I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
So many bounce houses so little time
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Randomize
