The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
it's ok, no one ever died fom being sticky.
i've gotta research that and get back to you.
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
Randomize
