I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
me neither. i remember bell pepper tequila but not why or yelling
Hahaha, I forgot about doing shots out of the bell pepper
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Randomize
