we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
Randomize
