my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
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