she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
