After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
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