my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
We're too hungover to prance.
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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