Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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