How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Randomize
