Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Randomize
