i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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