the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
I think that maybe Alyssa may of had too much to drink. is it normal for her to straddle random people in quizno's?
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Randomize