After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
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