Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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