I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
random question: do you know anywhere in the tri-state that has elephant racing? this is a work related question.
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Randomize
