She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
Why is there bacon in the couch?
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
Randomize
