you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
