My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
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