im so drunk with asians
where?
always
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
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