I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
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