I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
