I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Randomize
