Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
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