Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
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