I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
Boobs speak an international language.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize