guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize
