I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Randomize
