??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
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