Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
I was in a gas station that sold tazers and I just saw a billboard that said "Strippers, need we say more?" God I love Georgia!
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
he likes ron paul.... that's all i'm going to say....
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Randomize
