theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
Randomize