Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Randomize