Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
Randomize
