Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
Randomize
