Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
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