Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
