just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
Sorry my hands just texted you
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
Randomize
