Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
A gentleman never tells..... therefore i will neither confirm nor deny the attatched photos
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
Randomize
