I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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