last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Randomize
