Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
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