so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
Randomize
