i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Randomize
