Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
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